Monday, May 17, 2010


There is a blogging challenge going on at Momalom ( The idea is that the authors of that site give a list of topics, and all of us readers are supposed to blog about a certain topic on its designated day; then we go check out the other blogs and comment and generally support each other and the mommy blog community.

I wasn't going to participate in the challenge, not because I don't have the time or the motivation, but because I find it very difficult to write about a subject when I'm not specifically inspired to do so. How could I pen a compelling entry about "Happiness," for example, when I didn't feel anything particularly pressing about being happy that day?

But today's assigned topic is "Lust." I, like a lot of other curious onlookers, I'm guessing, popped over to Momalom to see what smutty, juicy morsels had been offered up.

And to say I was disappointed is an understatement. It's actually more accurate to say that I was a little bit appalled.

I only had time to skim through a handful of posts (see my earlier entry for an explanation as to why I am a little pressed for time / preoccupied today), but of the ones I was able to review, the majority of them were written on the topics of... LUST FOR FOOD! and... LUST FOR CLOTHES! and... LUST FOR CARTOON CHARACTERS! Now honey, forgive me for showing my true trampy colors, but I don't think *cartoons* is what the good lord intended when he came up with the word LUST.

No, kids, he meant LUST-- SEXY LUST, PASSIONATE LUST, WET AND SWEATY LUST. Maybe my fellow moms got understandably confused because, let's be honest, there's not a ton of wet and sweaty lust to be found in the places where we mommies tend to hang out.

But why not just *say* that, then? Why *pretend* that this challenge was asking you to describe your lust for stilettos, sleep, success? (No actual offense intended, of *course*, to anyone who wrote about shoes or cartoons or burritos. I get that we're all just doing the best we can, and some of us don't have the time, the inclination, or the constitution to write about LUST in its Biblical, sweaty sense.)

But girls, I've got the time. I've got the inclination. And I do believe I was *born* for a challenge like this.

See, what *I* think of, when asked to expound upon the topic of "lust," is this: That nervous quivering that takes hold of your loins when you spot the object of your unrequited (but not deterred!) affection. That first kiss that is absolutely ELECTRIFYING, one that you feel all the way down to your toes. That passion that overcomes you, when you *finally* find yourself alone, in a darkened room, embraced in the arms of your desired one-- a passion *so* consuming that your kisses leave bite marks and your fingernails leave scratches.

How long has it been, ladies, since you've scratched up someone's back?

Well I'm not afraid to say it: It's been a damn WHILE, gang!

I've been with my indescribably wonderful, considerate, devoted husband for more than 10 years now. And ok: we don't scratch up each other's backs anymore.

Now we care for sick children in the middle of the night. We stay up late putzing around on our computers, side-by-side. We lay in bed and laugh about funny things that happened to us a decade ago, and revel in the shared history that allows us to do so.

But no, we don't scratch up each other's backs. We're MARRIED, for chrissakes. The reason there's a stereotype about married couples not having sex anymore is because, very often, it's TRUE. And for GOOD REASON. We're busy, we're tired, we're stressed. We're worrying about the money, the house, the kids. We're not TEENAGERS anymore. We're OLD. And we're not on a third date, when you stupidly can't keep your hands off each other, when you devour each other's kisses like you're starving and your beloved's lips are your salvation.

I mean sure, we do have the occasional roll in the hay: civilized, respectful, and highly satisfying. We know the lay of the land, we know what we're supposed to do, we genuinely enjoy those stolen moments we have together.

But would I say we are LUSTING for each other, 10 years in?

No, doll. We're not lusting for each other. Get over it.

What we do have, however, is a million times better:

We love each other. Profoundly. Maturely. Seriously.

And if you think that sounds like the short end of the stick, then I'm going to assume that you've never been in the kind of love I'm talking about. In which case maybe you'd be surprised to hear that real, nuanced, grown-up LOVE-- like the one between two married people who have stuck with each other for many years and plan on sticking together for tens and tens of years more-- totally kicks LUST's ass.

Why? Well, because LUST is soda pop. It's bubbly and it's delicious and it's refreshing and it's really, really yummy.

It's also mostly air.

And it can't sustain you for long.

No, strong families are not built on soda pop, any more than they're built on lust. I'd even go so far as to say that LUST *belongs* on the back-burner of a long-term relationship. In my humble opinion, lust can survive and flourish in one of two environments: (1) a new relationship, where both parties' hormones are in thrilling overdrive and the novelty is absolutely intoxicating; and (2) a dysfunctional relationship, where one party feels inferior, or unfulfilled, or unappreciated, and the dynamic is so imbalanced that the neglected party utterly aches for the kind of affection and attention he or she deserves.

In other words, lust just wouldn't work in a relationship where both people feel loved, and appreciated, and fundamentally desired; and where the sex is, at least as a matter of principle, always available-- not as the hallmark of conquest, but as an expression of that love. After all, there'd be no point in LUSTING for something that's always available to you, now would there?

To this point, I read recently that, per some "scientific" study of brain wave activity, after 10 years together, 90% of couples no longer experience the physiochemical spikes that characterize the first exciting stages of a romantic relationship. (Translation: We don't get turned on just by standing close to each other anymore.)

At first I was bummed out by this article-- I took it to validate my waning libido as an empirical fact. But then, after pondering it for a while, I was encouraged by it: the study asserted that what I was experiencing wasn't unusual, and it also wasn't a harbinger of doom for our relationship. No, it only meant that we were moving from one chapter of our story to the next. And I think *both* of those chapters (the new, thrilling one; and the familiar, comfortable one) have their distinct perks.

So you know what I do these days? I satisfy my lust for LUST in other ways. I sometimes bat my eyelashes at the handsome waiter. I occasionally exchange flirty email messages with guy friends on Facebook. I often read erotica online (preferably gay erotica, not sure why). All of these things get my blood pumping, and they make me feel sexy, and they put racy thoughts into my head again, a space where otherwise only thoughts of milk money and field trips and pediatrician appointments would reside.

And then I take that lust home to my husband. Where I belong.


  1. I love this post, so much truth to this!!

  2. Yes yes YES! I totally get this! So honest - totally brilliant!

  3. Hurrah for writing this. My post was one of the lame ones, not because I don't think about it but because I'm too Catholic. Having read this, I wish I had had more guts. Xo

  4. Nope, not confused at all. It's just not something I'm going to share on the internet. I keep it at home, between my husband and myself.

    I can understand most of us skirted around the true meaning of the word lust. But in all honesty, you did as well. Comparing it to soda pop and then dissecting a scientific study is not really getting anyone all hot and bothered, either.

  5. You've really hit the nail on the head. I struggled a lot with this, and ended up writing some cheesy poetry, because frankly...I couldn't think of anything else. "Lust" isn't really something I have in my day-to-day life, for many of the reasons you've written about here.

    Thanks for this very honest post. I love it!!

  6. Loved this. However, your poll? The only possible choice for some of us is shoes, not for lack of those we lust after, ferociously.

    As for the steadfast and comfortable love, bravo to you both. How many of us would trade a great deal for a small taste of that sort of relationship?

    But that aside, I say... try a corset or some other hot lingerie. When least expected. (Then report back.)


  7. Great post! I haven't been able to finish mine yet... just can't get it out tonight. I do think there is another time we can be lustful (and in a loving healthy marriage)... the vacation alone. When my hubby and I are on a weekend away the lust most definitely comes back! :)

  8. I haven't read the whole post - but am wondering *HOW* you managed to access That's allowed?

  9. I read it. And I'm so jealous of your life right now. I'm happy you're happy though.

  10. Ha Kathryn's comment got me because when I saw Lust I thought of the Seven Deadly Sins and how I used to so be going to hell (even though I'm not catholic) and now I basically am good and boring! It makes me feel better that scientifically I am not supposed to get ansty to have my pants off when hubs i around but I still want it to happen. I still have VERY sexy dreams about it and I so think it will come and then nope - those 3 kids get in the way every time!

    My post starts out hot and then I reveal that I am a crazed nursing mother and all those moans I write about are from the baby as she eats - not the hunk of my dreams.

    I really loved this post. Love is the most important thing and it is hard and we worked for it baby. And yes, I remember the days of lust fondly and I am sure when I get up the guts to do one of those role pay dates where we pretend to meet at a bar and I wear something slutty I will have one lusty night - or I will laugh until I pee my pants.

  11. I haven't read through a lot of the posts but, yeah, most of them aren't about actual lust. I'm not doing 5for10, but when I read this assignment, I immediately thought of lust as inseparable from sex and I couldn't have thought of a way to write about it without revealing my sex life. Clearly, there are ways of doing it - as you and Momalom's Sarah have, but I think many of the other participants may have felt the same as I did and chose a different route.
    I really love your thoughts on the subject though and will share them with my husband - we've been married a similar amount of time as you and your husband.

  12. I completely agree! I thought this would be a chance to finally talk about the dirty-dirty in a beautiful and classy way, and I was surprised that people didn't take the opportunity. Sex is still considered such an uncouth topic, and that makes me sad:( But I totally went there, and I'm glad you did too.

  13. I think Lust is very much able to be alive and well in long-term relationships. I agree that there is much more to the relationship than that, but I also think it's important, even vital, to make time for passion, romance, and LUST between a happily married couple.

    I have been married to my husband since 1998 and we have had our share of ups and downs. We have 3 kids, jobs and extra-curricular activities that make it difficult sometimes (ok, a lot of the time :) ) but we do try to have a occasional night alone or sneak away.

    I think it's important to keep that passion alive, even if it's just occasionally!

    Glad I "found" you through Momalom!

  14. Halle-fuckin-lujah (hope you don't mind if I curse)...someone wrote about LUST. Real lust. The stuff that I think of when I think about those four letters. Did you link up to Five for Ten? Not sure. I found you through Elmo's site. And yes, I am STILL catching up on Five for Ten posts. Pathetic, I know. But I've been quite busy with Operation:Lust in my house. That and, um, three kids. Yeah, right. Them!

  15. Not surprisingly, I have a word usage critique, as opposed to a comment on the content: One doesn't "putz" around on a computer, or the house, or anywhere, for that matter. You can "futz," and you can "putter," but putz is not a verb, but rather a noun that means a literal or figurative "dick." (Come to think of it, maybe I was a little more on-topic than I realized.)