Monday, May 17, 2010

Her Hummingbird Heart.

I am worried about my little girl's heart.

Not in the puppy love sense. In the anatomy sense.

My rational self keeps saying that that the markedly fast pace, the subtle irregularity, the occasional missed beats in a wonderfully active 3-year-old are nothing to worry about.

My irrational self had me up in her bedroom, on four separate occasions during the night, crouching over her sleeping self with a stethoscope I found in the girls' doctor kit trying desperately to convince myself that I was imagining all these things.

Well, the pediatrician just now confirmed that yes, these things do exist.

But no, they are not a reason to panic.

He is sending us to the cardiologist later this afternoon for follow-up more, he says, for my peace of mind than for any pressing medical reason with my daughter.

But my god, how my own chest hurts today. I feel like my skin has been removed and that even the slightest breeze sends painful currents skimming through my body. The rawness that accompanies a fear for your child's health is a sustained torture like no other.

I will continue to tell myself that it's nothing, that everything is fine. But at the same time, I look at my 3 children, and I ponder all of the millions and millions of misfortunes that could potentially befall them, and I wonder how many more agonizing days like this are still in our future.

And I'm not entirely sure my heart can take it.

* * * * * *

UPDATE: The EKG was normal at the cardiologist's, and I have been instructed not to worry anymore. Ha.
In the meantime, I am breathing a massive sigh of relief, and thanking everyone for the profoundly kind words of support. xo.


  1. Hang in there! It sounds like the doctor isn't too worried, although I know that is barely any solace. A few months ago, my younger son woke up in the middle of the night, choking and gasping for air. He could barely breathe. Normally, I would be the one telling my husband to calm down, we'll figure this out...but instead I had the car started to take our son to the ER before he even had shoes on! It turned out to only be a mild case of croup. Sometimes things seem a lot scarier when they're happening to our children. Keep being strong! I'll be thinking of you today.

  2. Hi Jess, if it's any comfort, i have an irregular heartbeat. Was diagnosed loooong, long ago and by now I am totally used to the fact that every time I go for a checkup, whomever's behind the stethoscope will raise their brow initially. I have had so many EKGs and exams, I can't even count them, and not once has there been any sort of problem. In fact, the rhythm and rate are so off of what's considered norm, that anytime I've been in the hospital (for unrelated things) and they hook me up to a heart monitor, they have to disable the alarms, because my heart sets it off constantly. I know it's a scary subject (and it used to freak me out, too when i was young), but it doesn't mean the results are scary. One particularly cool doc told me a while back that I just have a special heart. And I loved that thought. it doesn't beat like the rest, and it's incredibly strong. (I know. i have years of test results to prove it.) Since this is your child we're talking about here, I wouldn't be surprised if she has a "special" heart as well. Love you and thinking of you.

  3. Thank goodness she's okay! Be strong, mommy!

  4. This the best news I ever heard in my life.

    RE: The private emails we exchanged - do not hesitate to USE those contacts. EVER! In fact, I'll be pissed off if I find out you don't use those guys if you need them. So here it is, in a public forum, stated for all to see.


  5. I'm glad to hear she's fine. That must have been a very difficult few days.

  6. Wow- what a relief that everything is ok. Hang in there.